This house of cards that once held firm
foundation has become a
house of cards falling all
around
scattered pieces. Hearts become
spades to till the soil
for something new.
Must build again, new from old.
Taking time to think things through
only brings ugly.
Just do, Just feel, Just be.
Keep going
Keeping walking
the halls of this house of cards
Random Ramblings
Monday, February 14, 2011
Freddy
Fred the fish dredged up some of my older memories from the bottom of his lake. He layed them in front of me so that he could be sure that I could see them clearly. Full of smiles and guileless charm, they made me laugh and undo my arms. Thanks fred the fish. Here's to many a happy memory more.
Friday, February 4, 2011
A life without something to live for is hopeless. And how can you live for something as fickle as the human beings that have created the word?
My passion for life and living and staying alive come from a source deeper than anything now measurable. It is undefinable. We who have limitied sight and limited creativity cannot see the endlessness of this pool filled with love and friendship. Everything comes from this pool however. All my talents, all my dreams and goals, everything that makes up my being comes from this pool. Slowly we people drain it and we can either add back to the loss we've caused by using our selves to help others and to show love and kindness and patience and companionship to those around us.
We've been given responsibilities by this deposition that's been given to us and for me, that is what I live for. To fulfill the obligations that I have been entrusted with. It kills me when I discover that I can't always do this and I get stubborn and angry and impatient and mean. But over time I learn peace and understanding and the will to keep going with the job I've been handed.
I pray this prayer tonight, in full openness and acceptance. I decide the path I take, whether that of patience and respect and peace or that which is fraught with turmoil and pain and hate. Life culminates into this final decision and while we cannot always be completely at one end of the spectrum or the other in this dichotomy, I pray to be closer to the side of love. Love comes first. Love comes second. Love comes third. It's what this world needs and I want to give it back to this earth.
My passion for life and living and staying alive come from a source deeper than anything now measurable. It is undefinable. We who have limitied sight and limited creativity cannot see the endlessness of this pool filled with love and friendship. Everything comes from this pool however. All my talents, all my dreams and goals, everything that makes up my being comes from this pool. Slowly we people drain it and we can either add back to the loss we've caused by using our selves to help others and to show love and kindness and patience and companionship to those around us.
We've been given responsibilities by this deposition that's been given to us and for me, that is what I live for. To fulfill the obligations that I have been entrusted with. It kills me when I discover that I can't always do this and I get stubborn and angry and impatient and mean. But over time I learn peace and understanding and the will to keep going with the job I've been handed.
I pray this prayer tonight, in full openness and acceptance. I decide the path I take, whether that of patience and respect and peace or that which is fraught with turmoil and pain and hate. Life culminates into this final decision and while we cannot always be completely at one end of the spectrum or the other in this dichotomy, I pray to be closer to the side of love. Love comes first. Love comes second. Love comes third. It's what this world needs and I want to give it back to this earth.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
In Flanders Fields
The child sat in her white crocheted lace dress, hugging her knees tight. It was spring. Dew on the grass and coating the flower buds all around her. The sun was warm, but not warm enough to burn her pale, soft skin. She was perched atop a rectangular, flat stone and all around her were bright red flowers and white butterflies, flitting from bud to bud. She liked to sit and eat the petals on the flowers when she was in the field alone, like she'd seen her mother do, even if they were bitter and made her sleepy. She had often wondered if the men they said slept in this field had come here like she did, just to think and breathe and relax. It scared her a little to think that she might get buried by the rocks like they had if she kept coming here. That's what her brother told her. She knew it was dangerous to be alone out here, but she liked to be. Her mother always insisted that she bring her older brother if she were to go out, but she liked to revel in this field by herself.
It felt right to run and skip and dance and spin until her little feet were tired and sore and she couldn't breathe. It delighted her. It made her feel light, like a little butterfly fluttering around in the sky. After she was out of breath and exhausted she would flop down on a slab of stone and soak up the heat that radiated from its core. Her golden hair fanned across the white gray rock and her blue eyes roamed over the heavens, watching clouds shift and change. The white marshallow puffs floated along becoming lions, then babies, then the poppies that shook in the breeze around her.
The sun rose in the sky and she couldn't look straight up any longer. She closed her eyes and felt her eyelashes turn heavy. Eventually, she didn't want to fight any longer and she floated off to sleep.
She woke up only a few minutes later, but something was very very different about where she was. All around her were men in costumes. Some wore helmets and some wore wool hats. All wore boots and carried guns. They were all just standing, swaying, and there was a slight hum in the air surrounding them. She turned around and there was one standing there, directly behind her. She jumped back a little, freightened, but he smiled at her; a comforting smile that told her he wasn't going to hurt her. He looked familiar, in fact. She squinted her eyes really tight and thought hard, the sleepiness was making it tough to concentrate on him. She finally broke out of the sleepy spell and her eyes opened wide. She ran to the man and grabbed his waist, hugging him tight. It was her daddy, her pa.
She knew it wasn't really him though. Sometimes the petals did this to her, too. But she just hugged him and hugged him and didn't let go. She felt his hands run through her hair and pat her back. He pushed her back and sat down on his knees so that he could wrap his arms around her. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, feeling the scruff of his fluffy beard on her cheek. She felt his breath rush by her and then she heard him whisper, in his deep rumbling voice, "wakker word, mijn lieve."
She wanted to ask him why but her face was hot and her eyes began to leak. She just buried her face back into his dirty suit. He repeated it, "wakker word, mijn lieve." She shook her head.
Her body began to shake back and forth. Then the phrase became more emphatic. Then her pa took her shoulders and began to shake her. Back and forth, back and forth all the while repeating the words: "wakker word, mijn lieve."
She closed her eyes hard, squeezing them shut as tight as she could. She wanted to stay here and keep the warmth of her pa with her, but all of a sudden her eyes snapped open and she saw, not her pa's face above her, staring into her eyes, but her brother's.
His forehead was creased and his eyes had that annoyed look in them that told her Moeder wanted her home, now. She looked at the sky behind his ruddy face and saw that the sun had left it's peak among the clouds. It sat at the horizon, hugging it's knees to its chest, trying not to leave the sky.
She stood up and brushed herself off while her brother stood staring down at the stone she'd been laying on, his arms crossed and his legs apart. She knew what the stone said, knew why he stood in that defensive way, even if she couldn't read the lines etched into it. She had their shape memorized: she'd traced the ridges countless times and could redraw them in a pile of soft dirt if she wanted. Eventually, her brother turned around and together they walked home, side by side, past the stones and through the poppies, out of Flanders field.
It felt right to run and skip and dance and spin until her little feet were tired and sore and she couldn't breathe. It delighted her. It made her feel light, like a little butterfly fluttering around in the sky. After she was out of breath and exhausted she would flop down on a slab of stone and soak up the heat that radiated from its core. Her golden hair fanned across the white gray rock and her blue eyes roamed over the heavens, watching clouds shift and change. The white marshallow puffs floated along becoming lions, then babies, then the poppies that shook in the breeze around her.
The sun rose in the sky and she couldn't look straight up any longer. She closed her eyes and felt her eyelashes turn heavy. Eventually, she didn't want to fight any longer and she floated off to sleep.
She woke up only a few minutes later, but something was very very different about where she was. All around her were men in costumes. Some wore helmets and some wore wool hats. All wore boots and carried guns. They were all just standing, swaying, and there was a slight hum in the air surrounding them. She turned around and there was one standing there, directly behind her. She jumped back a little, freightened, but he smiled at her; a comforting smile that told her he wasn't going to hurt her. He looked familiar, in fact. She squinted her eyes really tight and thought hard, the sleepiness was making it tough to concentrate on him. She finally broke out of the sleepy spell and her eyes opened wide. She ran to the man and grabbed his waist, hugging him tight. It was her daddy, her pa.
She knew it wasn't really him though. Sometimes the petals did this to her, too. But she just hugged him and hugged him and didn't let go. She felt his hands run through her hair and pat her back. He pushed her back and sat down on his knees so that he could wrap his arms around her. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, feeling the scruff of his fluffy beard on her cheek. She felt his breath rush by her and then she heard him whisper, in his deep rumbling voice, "wakker word, mijn lieve."
She wanted to ask him why but her face was hot and her eyes began to leak. She just buried her face back into his dirty suit. He repeated it, "wakker word, mijn lieve." She shook her head.
Her body began to shake back and forth. Then the phrase became more emphatic. Then her pa took her shoulders and began to shake her. Back and forth, back and forth all the while repeating the words: "wakker word, mijn lieve."
She closed her eyes hard, squeezing them shut as tight as she could. She wanted to stay here and keep the warmth of her pa with her, but all of a sudden her eyes snapped open and she saw, not her pa's face above her, staring into her eyes, but her brother's.
His forehead was creased and his eyes had that annoyed look in them that told her Moeder wanted her home, now. She looked at the sky behind his ruddy face and saw that the sun had left it's peak among the clouds. It sat at the horizon, hugging it's knees to its chest, trying not to leave the sky.
She stood up and brushed herself off while her brother stood staring down at the stone she'd been laying on, his arms crossed and his legs apart. She knew what the stone said, knew why he stood in that defensive way, even if she couldn't read the lines etched into it. She had their shape memorized: she'd traced the ridges countless times and could redraw them in a pile of soft dirt if she wanted. Eventually, her brother turned around and together they walked home, side by side, past the stones and through the poppies, out of Flanders field.
the Win ain't Epic but it's still Awesome
Last semester I moved into a new dorm room in the older dorms of my University. I had been in the new, but temporary, suite-style dorms where everyone had there own bedrooms and only had to share a bathroom with one other person. I liked my old dorm, but this new older dorm was even better. While I do have to use commnal bathrooms and showers now, the showers are bigger and I know that both showers and toilets are cleaned more often (thus more germ-free) than the bathroom that I was responsible for cleaning. And while I did have to share my new room with a very awesome girl that was took me straight under wing and tried to help me meet new people and adjust to being homesick, now I have a much larger room all to myself: including the living area and kitchen and bedroom.
I really like being alone in a more definite sense and there are really so many perks to living here that it is hard to feel unhappy in my room. It's all my decorations and all my stuff and I can leave it as messy as I want whenever I want because it is all my option if I want to let people see it or not. And living in an older dorm means that there are older laundry and vending machines. So, while my softener needs a downy ball to keep my clothes unstained and the dryer doesn't get all my clothes dry on the first run, it's free. And I had the same issue with the dryers at my old place where washing was $2.50 a load.
Then there is the vending machine. Everytime I have used it I have felt super happy. I, to be honest, only recently discovered it thanks to my friend, but it is super nice. I think I'm one of the only people in my dorm to use it so that means soda all to me! ; ) and I have figured out how to play it. It's an old machine, one of the one's that I figured out how to rig early in my childhood. I may not be the most frugal, but when it comes to overpaying for drinks from a vending machine, Ima stretch my dollar. So now, when I go to get a soda from this machine, I insert a dollar, press the soda that I want and then I select another and press that one (I can't give you the full secret, but that's enough...). In the end, I get two cans of soda for fifty cents. They're supposed to be seventy five cents each. I put a dollar in the machine, as you may remember, and for each press of the soda button, I get twenty five cents change. That's a fifty cent payout my friends, that's right. To me, this is an epic win. Many people don't feel the same way, but I know how it really is and therefore, um, it is.
I really like being alone in a more definite sense and there are really so many perks to living here that it is hard to feel unhappy in my room. It's all my decorations and all my stuff and I can leave it as messy as I want whenever I want because it is all my option if I want to let people see it or not. And living in an older dorm means that there are older laundry and vending machines. So, while my softener needs a downy ball to keep my clothes unstained and the dryer doesn't get all my clothes dry on the first run, it's free. And I had the same issue with the dryers at my old place where washing was $2.50 a load.
Then there is the vending machine. Everytime I have used it I have felt super happy. I, to be honest, only recently discovered it thanks to my friend, but it is super nice. I think I'm one of the only people in my dorm to use it so that means soda all to me! ; ) and I have figured out how to play it. It's an old machine, one of the one's that I figured out how to rig early in my childhood. I may not be the most frugal, but when it comes to overpaying for drinks from a vending machine, Ima stretch my dollar. So now, when I go to get a soda from this machine, I insert a dollar, press the soda that I want and then I select another and press that one (I can't give you the full secret, but that's enough...). In the end, I get two cans of soda for fifty cents. They're supposed to be seventy five cents each. I put a dollar in the machine, as you may remember, and for each press of the soda button, I get twenty five cents change. That's a fifty cent payout my friends, that's right. To me, this is an epic win. Many people don't feel the same way, but I know how it really is and therefore, um, it is.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Formal Introduction
So now that I've been able to sleep on this whole blog idea I really like it. But I've decided to introduce myself a little more. This one might be short, but honestly I can ramble for hours (hence the name).
I'm kitschy and eclectic. I have many interests and kinda think of myself as a jack of all trades. I'm not amazing at any one thing, but I do love dabbling in a lot.
I play volleyball. I dance. I love movies. I love music. I love art. I love campy stuff and kitschy stuff.
If you walk into my dorm you really would be able to tell off the bat. It's not decorated like a lot of other dorms where everything in it was bought from the same store and it's all matching. Maybe my room is dominant in colors like blue and green and white, but that's as close as you're gunna get.
Maybe some day I'll post pictures but this morning I'd like to paste in one of my poems.
I'm kitschy and eclectic. I have many interests and kinda think of myself as a jack of all trades. I'm not amazing at any one thing, but I do love dabbling in a lot.
I play volleyball. I dance. I love movies. I love music. I love art. I love campy stuff and kitschy stuff.
If you walk into my dorm you really would be able to tell off the bat. It's not decorated like a lot of other dorms where everything in it was bought from the same store and it's all matching. Maybe my room is dominant in colors like blue and green and white, but that's as close as you're gunna get.
Maybe some day I'll post pictures but this morning I'd like to paste in one of my poems.
Tweet
Sweet
All is complete
Fleet
Meet
It's been such a treat
Feign
Plain
Here I go again
Main
Drain
It makes you insane
Worth
Mirth
Been there since birth
More
Soar
Much more to look for
I have Him and I have you
You're all I need
Need nothing more in my life
It's His to lead
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